From 'A Municipal Report' by O. Henry, 1912

"'There are just three big cities in the United States that are 'story cities'--New York, of course, New Orleans, and best of the lot, San Francisco.' --Frank Norris

East is East, and West is San Francisco, according to Californians. Californians are a race of people; they are not merely inhabitants of a State. They are the Southerners of the West. Now, Chicagoans are no less loyal to their city; but when you ask them why, they stammer and speak of lake fish and the new Odd Fellows Building. But Californians go into detail.

Of course they have, in the climate, an argument that is good for half an hour while you are thinking of your coal bills and heavy underwear. But as soon as they come to mistake your silence for conviction, madness comes upon them, and they picture the city of the Golden Gate as the Baghdad of the New World."

Driving The Carolina Way

Photo source here.

I recently returned from a trip to Southern California, where I lucked into the hippest rental car I've ever had, a 2010 Jetta, and put it through its paces driving the 5, the 405, the 10, the 710, the 210: 4 or 5 lanes in each direction; minimum acceptable speed: 75. It was fantastic. I had forgotten the great pleasure of driving fast. I had forgotten this, because I live in North Carolina.

When I first arrived in Carolina, lo these many years ago, I had to learn some new driving skills, like deep conscious breathing, and being mindful of the amount of enamel I was grinding off my teeth. I listened to a lot of music and became very familiar with all of the voices on NPR. I released certain assumptions: for example, that the point of driving was to Get Somewhere, and get there in less time than it would take with a horse and buggy.

As I readjusted to taking 45 minutes to go 9 miles (and not between Santa Monica and LAX, mind you, but between Durham and Chapel Hill) I composed some observations about driving in Carolina, which helped me unclench my jaw and pay attention to Terri Gross instead. Here they are.

--A stoplight turning green does not mean that you immediately proceed briskly through the intersection, on the assumption that the people behind you are also wishing to make their way to the rest of their lives in a reasonable amount of time. Instead, you should pause, graciously, in case any of the cross traffic might just need a wee bit more time, or if the spirit moves you to ask for the Lord's guidance in that little personal matter, or to make sure that the car in front of you is really committed to going through the intersection. The first five cars through a light here take up probably 1/2 of the time the light is green, as everyone moves in this kind of accordian-ing motion, waiting for the driver ahead to get a good ways through the intersection before proceeding. If you are the driver in front at any green light, you should not feel pressured to move when the light turns green, but take as much time as you wish to dial a number or change the radio station or fix your hair before proceeding. Rest assured that no one will honk.

--This is because no one honks their horn here. Honking is obviously a rude and Yankee-like thing to do. More to the point, honking will not move the Carolina driver, but will instead provoke them to display the astonishingly mannerly stubbornness that Southerners have perfected.

--If a traffic light ahead turns yellow, you should maintain your leisurely speed until the intersection, possibly braking to consider the situation, and then accelerate just enough so that you make it through the light, but the 26 cars who have been behind you for 7 miles don't. This marvel of timing takes practice, and you should not expect to master it if you are from somewhere north of the Mason-Dixon line.

--Turn signals are best regarded as something which will be a dangerous distraction for other drivers, and used sparingly. If you feel you must use a signal, you should wait until you've already made a lane change or turn, and then signal, which will just clarify things for everyone.

--On the other hand, hazard lights here in Carolina have some special, magical properties. You may have been taught that hazard lights should not be used when driving, but are to alert drivers to a breakdown that they might have to navigate around. Here, hazard lights apparently cast a spell which suspends the rules of the road, so that you can go 15 miles an hour in the fast lane, 4-wheel on the shoulder, reverse in traffic, or whatever notion comes into your head. In bad weather, hazard lights are thoughtfully turned on (and kept on) while driving, to alert people to the fact that it is snowing, raining, or maybe just looking a little hazy-like.

--If other cars are merging into the lane in which you are driving, you should not feel that you must change lanes to make room for them, even if there are no other cars to your left and you have plenty of time. Instead, proceed as if there are no merging cars at all, and let them try to figure it out. Perhaps they will even come to a complete stop on an on-ramp, causing cars behind them to curse, swerve, and brake--this is none of your concern.

--You should assume that speed limits are the maximum speed your motor vehicle will tolerate, and go about 5 miles an hour slower, just to be on the safe side. Anyone who is in a rush all the time probably doesn't love their Momma like they should. And maybe they're on their way to burn Atlanta. In any case, no sense in trying to make things happen sooner than they're gonna, so take it easy, admire the perfect cream-on-parchment white of a magnolia blossom and all the rest of the Good Lord's handiwork, here in the Southern part of Heaven.