God, I understand that you are yourself a conservative--Jerry Falwell told me. In fact, Jerry Falwell seems to think he was made in your image. I always thought omniscient infinity would be beautiful, but perhaps I was mistaken. So I pray that you will make me a conservative, and soon. Please help me to believe that Osama bin Laden attacked our country not because of our reprehensible economic policy and our ill-advised presence in Saudi Arabia, but because he hates our freedom. Please help me believe that 10,000 Iraqis and 1500 Americans have died because Saddam Hussein colluded with ObL. Please help me to believe (as apparently three-fourths of Bush supporters do) that the Islamic/Arab world "overwhelmingly supported" the invasion of Iraq and that the invasion "increased respect for America" in the world community. Please help me to believe that global warming is not a reality, that we can cut down every old-growth stand of redwoods with impunity, and that our dying oceans are of no concern to us, because you will provide. Please allow me to disregard every scientific finding with which I disagree, but to also believe simultaneously that science and technology will save us from the impending ecological disaster. Please help me to forget everything Jesus said in the New Testament and focus instead on obscure passages in Leviticus--this will really let me completely abdicate responsibility for my fellow human beings and let me go on with rampant, hypocritical, immoral consumption in your name and for the glory of the United States. While we're there, please help me to believe that this country is the most fair, most just, most Godly and Christian of any in existence ever, and that we are incapable of doing wrong.
In your (and Jerry's) name I pray, amen.
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