Obama: The arrangement as it stands is unsatisfactory. We must have change! We must work together, first class and second class and steerage passengers alike, for a more just and equitable distribution, a distribution that does not favor the special interests of the stewards or the captain, but one which we all determine, together, with hope for a better future...
Passenger 1: Sir, what are you talking about? And why are you standing on that soap box? It's really cold out.
Obama: I am talking, of course, about the arrangement of deck chairs! Some people have deck chairs with better views! Some people have more deck chairs than they can possibly ever sit in at once! We must redistribute the deck chairs!
McCain: When I was a P.O.W., we didn't have chairs! We had sharpened bamboo sticks to sit on, and they gave us character and a lifetime of random bursts of anger. Bunch a pansies!
Passenger 2: Where did that other soap box come from?
[Several hours of rhetoric ensue, with commentary from people who have put on hats with little pieces of paper that say "Media" on them. Passengers take a vote: they're not entirely sure what they're voting for, but the grumpy old white guy is scary, so they go for the other guy. Mostly, they just want everyone to stop talking.]
THE FOLLOWING DAY
Obama: All right people, let's get to it. We have promised change, and we will deliver! I suggest we begin by reupholstering, and then move on to deck chair placement.
Democrats: Maybe we should wait until Al Franken gets here.
Obama: Oh. All right.
Passenger 1: Seems like there are already a lot of you...maybe you should just get started. We don't have work at the moment, so we could help...just tell us what to do.
Passenger 2: Look, it's Al Franken! 'E's kinda funny lookin', innit he? Right, let's go, before it gets cold again.
Democrats: Well, Ted Kennedy's sick. And he's really the man who knows fabric around here. We really can't move forward without him.
Passenger 1: But there are, like, hundreds of us just standing around. Can't we just...
Passenger 3: Hey, I heard there's a former beauty queen in the lounge. Apparently she doesn't say anything that makes sense, but she's really pretty, and if we get lucky, she might wink at us.
[Passengers take off for a while. Return to find Democrats standing in place, as if frozen, although it is 80 degrees out. Obama is now sitting on his soap box, but is still talking.]
Democrats: Okay, we've picked a fabric!
Passengers: Wow, that's really ugly. It's like, shit brown and bile green. Don't we have some gays around? They're good at this kind of thing.
Democrats: SHHHHHH! Don't say the "G" word! This was the only fabric we could agree on. We had almost settled on something kind of neutral and beige-y, but Lieberman insisted on this one.
Passenger 1: And you couldn't have thrown him overboard?
Passenger 2: Okay, well, whatever, the fabric sucks, but it's better than nothing, and maybe the sun will bleach out most of that utterly vile green later. Hand me the scissors.
Republicans: Just a minute there, sonny boy.
Passenger 3: Who are these guys? And, seriously, where the fuck do all these soap boxes come from? How could we ever need this much soap?
Captain: Oh, we had some extra space for some reason. So we stocked up on soap boxes. These guys love 'em!
[Passenger 1: Dude, what do you think was supposed to be in that space?
Passenger 2: Well, I hope not something we might actually need.]
Republicans: That fabric is clearly SOCIALIST fabric, and not fabric that Jesus would love. Also.
Passenger 1: How's that? Socialist fabric?
Republicans: We saw a teenager once wearing a Che Guevara shirt that was exactly that green color. And didn't the NAZIS wear brown?
Passenger 2: JESUS CHRIST ON A CRUTCH!
Republicans: Where? Where? Jesus is here? Hold on, we have to fix our hair.
Passenger 2: No, just, never mind.
[Republicans are crestfallen.]
Republicans: Anyway, it's clear that that fabric will kill people.
Gullible Passengers: OMG! Socialist fabric that kills people! Europeans! The freedoms! [RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE]
Democrats: Okay, well, you could be right, maybe we could just use less of this fabric. What if we just cut the amount of fabric in half?
Ben Nelson: I'm sorry, but I must insist that Nebraska receive twice as many deck chairs as other states if I'm to vote for this fabric. But this is only because of my principled stand against abortion, and not because I get really really high off the fumes of power.
Democrats: Obama, do you want to chime in here?
Obama: No, I'm due to give another speech in the bar. [Exits.]
Passenger 2: Where did all these horses come from?
[Interminable horse trading ensues.]
Democrats: Okay, we did it! We can give 1/4 of the fabric to 1/2 as many deck chairs, and the steerage passengers will be allowed to sit on them for one hour on every other Sunday.
[Count heads.]
Democrats: Wait, we're one short.
Passenger 2: But there are still so many of you!
Scott Brown: I drive a truck!
Passenger 1: Who gives a fuck?
Gullible Passengers: OOOOOOH, a TRUCK!
Democrats: Oh well! Guess we can't reupholster the deck chairs this time! Let's go to the bar.
[Obama shows back up. Dems are milling about, drunkenly. Republicans are masturbating in a group. Glenn Beck is crying with joy. Rush Limbaugh has exploded and left one hell of a mess.]
Obama: What happened here?
Democrats: Well, some guy with a truck showed up and the Republicans said some mean words, so we gave up!
Obama: But I promised people a change of fabric!
Democrats: Well, frankly, our chairs have great fabric, and plenty of padding. So, fuck it.
Obama: Okay, okay. [Attempts to move 1 deck chair 1 inch.]
Republicans: [Pull guns, aim.]
Kucinich: Did anyone else hear that noise?
Republicans: JESUS IS HERE!
Kucinich: No, it's an iceberg.
Republicans: JESUS IS HERE!
Captain: Boy, is my face red! Guess there should have been lifeboats where those soap boxes were!
Passengers 1 and 2: HOLY FUCK.
Captain: Not to worry! There's enough room for 1/5 of 1/2 of you!
[Republicans, weapons out, stampede the lifeboats, trampling old people and shooting small children.]
Democrats: Wait, what's happening?
Captain [to other passengers]: Okay, so, luckily we've got a soap box for each of you! We think they'll float. For a couple of minutes.
Obama: I will not abandon my soap box! I will go down with this soap box!
[Deck chairs start sliding wildly about the deck as the ship tilts.]
Obama: Look! The arrangement of the deck chairs has changed!
Finis.
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