You Fucking Fuckers

I can't believe that my political choices have come down to: batshit fucking insane bastards or spineless snivelling losers. I'm essentially voting for "not crazy" and "I'd like to live, please."

The reason I bring this up is the latest scufuffle over Pandagon and Shakespeare's Sister, who were forced to resign from the Edwards campaign because some fat white bastard looked up their old posts while waiting for his porn to load. And he was offended! Their stances on contraception were in direct contradiction to the church's repeatedly issued statements! They seemed to believe that women should choose when and how to have children, and if that's not offensive to fat white bastards, what is?

So this particular FWB gets up from his rubber masturbo-mat and squelches his way over to the television studio, where for some reason they actually let him talk while the camera is rolling. And the Edwards campaign backs down. They don't fire Amanda and Melissa, no, but they release a pansy little statement about how they disagree with what they wrote and how they used un-ladylike words.

But FWB, like Jaba the Hut, doesn't give up that easily. After much hypocritical shrillness, Amanda and Melissa resign.

Here's what I wish Edwards would have said: "Some fat white bastard of a catholic claims to be offended by something two women wrote before they even worked for this campaign and which has nothing to do with this campaign. Well, I tell you what, I'm good and goddamned offended by the catholic church. I'm offended that their policy on birth control has doomed children in Latin America to grow up hungry, picking their way through garbage dumps for mere subsistence. I'm offended that the church won't allow women to be priests but will allow male priests to fuck little boys, and then move them to a new parish, where they get all new little boys to fuck. I'm offended that these actions make it clear that the church prefers pedophiles to women. Let's go over that again: the catholic church would rather have known pedophiles standing in front of the church preaching than allow women to be priests. I'm really, really offended by the church's stance on the use of condoms in Africa, which guarantees that more children will be orphaned, more mothers will die, and that dark continent will suffer even more, all because the church prefers to believe that every sperm is sacred. They prefer sperm to living children. And that's damn offensive. Finally, I'm offended that these woman-hating lying hypocritical bastards wear dresses. What the fuck is that about? Soutane my ass."

This could go on for a while, but you get the gist.